Demosthenian Literary Society

Minutes April 5

Gather around ladies and gentlemen, and I will spin you a tale of wonder and terror.

You see, this weekend, at approximately 8 PM Saturday night, yours truly had a bit of an experience. I traversed space and time in my spacetime capsule through wormholes and black-holes and all the other various cosmic holes.

Luckily for you, dear audience, I had my minutes book on me and took careful notes.

8:20 PM “Is space hot, or cold?”

8:30 PM “What are Samoa cookies made of? Compressed Samoan meat, of course”

8:32 PM “Jesus on the Cross Samoas are delicious”

8:37 PM “Oh no my arms are breathing. Possible breeding”

9:00 PM “My phone is the future. The future is in space phones”

9:20 PM [A large fly was using up the air in the capsule, and needed to be destroyed]

9:30 PM “Night time is really dark”

*There is a large gap in the records at approximately 9:45*

I awoke much later, barely alive, in a terrible, strange place.

The meeting was called to order around 7:16 PM

There were four first time guests, three second or third time guests

Mr. Alex Vey honored the Society as Critic

In Programs, it was announced that the meeting was a coin-flip debate

In Committee Reports

Ms. Matsika
Explained the new Election process, especially nominations

Mr. Goldman
Mr. Toombs will rise again within two weeks

Ms. Dodd
Explained the process of the CoinFlip Debate, asked us to be careful with the badminton net, announced the April 4th Workshop, the 14th Spring Ball at Nuci’s Space, the 17th Grant writing workshop, 21st Seersucker Run, and April 28th Spring Banquet. I would know nothing of any kind of Toga Party. There is most definitely no such thing

Ms. Grundy
Relay of life is coming on April 20th. You should fight cancer because cancer is bad

Mr. Wetherbee
We now have totally sweet internet. Awesome. Also it’s his birthday.

In Special Elections

Vote of confidence for Dr. Knox. Dr. Knox elected to re-up for another tour of duty, and was once again accepted by the Society

In New Business

BIR: “Literature is not Required for a Successful Society” RS Mr. Alan Goldman
He gave a general definition of ‘Successful Society’, and stated that the ‘Lies’ of fiction and drama are unnecessary for one

Mr. Sharpe, NegativeIgnoring the coinflip, condemning himself to the no-sex list.
All Art is necessary, citing Werner Herzog’s “Cave of Forgotten Dreams”, and Jungian Archetypes

Ms. Matthews, Affirmative
Citing the unreliable narrator of Jayne Eyre, fiction is untrustworthy

Mr. O’Neill, Affirmative
“Literature: who needs it?”; literature is a barrier to understanding, which is why films and images are superior

Mr. Harkness, Affirmative
Makes up his own reality, because he doesn’t like being told what to do.

Ms. Covington, Negative (Praise the coin)
Stories are a primal human need, because books understand and can be your friend

Mr. Douds, Affirmative
Audio-Books are a sign of human evolution at work. Also, “Bridge to Terabithia” is not philosophy

Ms. Douds, Affirmative
Comparing oneself to fictional characters damages the self-esteem.
She cited the Bearenstein Bear family as suffering from Metafictional Bear Anxiety

Mr. Guest, Negative
Cultural icons, such as Ernest Hemingway are cultural icons which furthers society

Ms. Dodd, Negative
Literature, especially science fiction, inspires us to look forward

Mr. Wetherbee, Negative
Books are necessary for humanity. Life is more than just numbers

Ms. Guest, Negative
Our reality is founded on words.

Mr. Greene, Affirmative
Literature is a waste of time and effort, which distracts from the advancement of mankind

Ms. Grundy, Affirmative
Santa Claus isn’t real, and you shouldn’t bother with pointless dreams. Like love.

Mr. Tourial, Affirmative
The Librarian is against literature, because of the Library of Congress has an arbitrary distinction between fiction and literature

Motion to Call the Question (8:48 PM)

Failed Members 7-17
Failed Guests 1-6

Notations: This resolution is especially ironic considering that we are a literary society. Just take Reading Rainbow’s word for it

BIR: “The American Medical Association Shall Revoke the License of any Doctor who performs an Ultrasound Against their Patient’s Wishes”
RS. Mr Doug Hennenfent
State Laws are interfering with Doctor-Patient confidentiality, which is bad. The discussion revolved around mandatory invasive ultrasounds before legal abortions

Mr. Rivken, Negative
Informed consent requires information, which requires the aforementioned ultrasound. Dr.-Patient confidentiality is not all inclusive

Ms. Matsika, Negative
Furthering information without outright banning abortion is not an “Undue Burden”, the precedent set forth by Sandra Day O’Connor

Mr. O’Brien, Affirmative
Explained all the various different kinds of scans, and then stated that nothing should be required unless it is absolutely necessary

Ms. Meyers, Negative
Revoking a license for abiding by the law is nonsensical, and will just increase the number of unlicensed, backalley abortions

Ms. Kabakova, Affirmative
These laws are emotional blackmail, which is wrong. Ramp up programs like medicaid instead of abortion legislation

Mr. Lucco, Affirmative
because 3$ gets you a Bigmac at McDonald’s, not a Bigmac and an ultrasound. Say no to Big Government in vaginas

Mr. O’Neill, Affirmative
Mandatory probe-rape goes against the American Ideal of autonomy and choice

Mr. Vey, Affirmative
Big Government and “Crusty old white men” should not decide issues on a woman’s body

Mr. Theiss, Negative
genetics is what makes a human life, and as fetuses are genetically distinct from their hosts, the State has an interest in preserving them

Mr. Douds, Negative
You can’t revoke the license of a professional for doing what he is required to do. You should take issue with the legislators, not the doctors

The Question was Called (9:45)
Failing Among Members 7- 11
Failing Among Guests 0-3
Failing Among Alumni 0-Tawnee Waltz

Notations: Use a condom, Fetuses shall hereafter be referred to as the “Human larval form”, The Jews will resolve excessive Christian babies,

BIR: #YOLO (you only live once). RS Ms. Ana Kabakova
asking us to not be slaves to repercussions. Also citing Harry Potter’s near-suicidal egotistical recklessness

Mr. James, Negative
His unshakeable faith in Christ will allow him to live forever in Paradise after death. Romans 8:38

Mr. Thompson, Affirmative
Doesn’t understand Hashtags, but affirmed that the resolution was scientifically accurate

Ms. Meyer, Negative
Has a magical regenerating virginity.

Mr. Goldman, Affirmative
One should enjoy life to the fullest. Carpe Diem, even if it means you get shot or eaten by alligators

Mr. Greene, Negative
YOLO is a fatalism, mortality should not be a limit.

Mr. Tourial, Affirmative
Use your life carefully, and don’t take senseless risks with your precious life.

Mr. Hebb, Negative
Could have a second life as a bedreadlocked liberal hippie. He then used a Hitler reference

Mr. Greene’s Brother, Affirmative
Batman lives forever because of his risks and daring.

The Question was Called:
Failing among Members 9-10
Failing among Guests 1-2

BIR _______ is the Best Superpower on Earth. RS. Mr, Shea Cotton
Strongest lungs on Earth 3 votes

Mr. Douds “Seeing into the hearts of men with a flaming, lidless, eye” 7 votes

Ms. McCrae “Making others see rationality (even heapers)” 0 votes

Mr. Greene’s Brother “Shazaam”0 votes

Mr. Tourial “A Ring of Power” 1 vote

Mr. Harkness “Super-Saiyan” 3 votes

Mr. Vey “Being Absurdly Wealthy” 3 votes

Mr. O’Brien “Knowing when to give up” 4 votes

Seeing into the Hearts of Men with a flaming Lidless Eye.

There was a Motion to Adjourn (11:06)

Notations: “All hail the hypno-coin”, “There is no Visene for a Flaming Lidless Eye”, “Inflation is Batman’s kryptonite”

Critics Report 11:11

Remarks from the Chair
Attendance is atrocious, with a 90% tardiness rate. Start on time, be serious

Remarks from the Floor
Give notes to the archives, the nominations process will soon begin, help the library and the grant writing.