Minutes of February 28, 2013
Presented on March 7, 2013
From the desk of Shea Cotton
Ladies and gentleman I’m sure many of you, like me, spend most of your time worrying about what the future holds for you. Well spoiler alert, I recently was able to get a glance into what the future holds for all of you and so here is what each of you will be doing in 10 years.
Ms. Abduhadi: Photographer for Vanity Fair specialises in tasteful nudes
Mr. Alden: Rasputin Impersonator
Ms. Beck: First female senator in a sex scandel
Mr. Benn: Bartender at Playboy Mansion, all the bunnies think he’s gay
Mr. Boggs: Midlevel bureaucrat in the vast left wing conspiracy (aka blogging from a trailer park)
Mr. Breihthaupt: Still explaining to people how to spell his last name
Mr. Burke: CIA agent infiltrating the Kremlin
Mr. Buscemi: Telling people about his time in Law School
Mr. Cordle: Sold himself into Sex Slave
Mr. Cotton: The Shadow Broker
Mr. Darby: Televangelist on the 700 club
Ms. Dodd: Living season 2 of “Grey’s Anatomy”
Ms. Douds: 5th grade english teacher who sneaks smoke breaks during nap time
Ms. Durden: Professional Jewel Thief who eventually decides to fight crime with Mr. Greene
Mr. Fisher: Managing editor for Rotten Tomatos
Ms. Firkus: A better writer than John Grisham
Mr. Greene: CEO of his online pornography business by day and secret vigilante superhero by night
Ms. Grundy: Helping the people Mr. Greene goes vigilante on. (Bad guys have health insurance in 10 years thanks to Obamacare)
Mr. Hall: Civil War reenactor and used car salesman with Mr. Kingston
Ms. Howell: Staring a boiling pot of stew that cannibals are making while she’s in the peace corps
Ms. Johnson: Running slugline
Ms. Kabakova: General Secretary of new Soviet Union
Ms. Kern: teacher at Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too
Mr. Kingston: Used Car salesman and local tea party activist
Dr. Knox: Firing up the Weather Control Machine/Moving into the Ambassador’s House in Paris.
Mr. Lancaster: saving the world
Mr. Lord: being a rebel leader
Mr. Lucco: tornado chasing
Ms. Mcrae: I could tell you what she’s doing, but then I’d have to kill you
Ms. Meyer: 21st Century Monicca Lewinsky
Ms. Nelson: Executive producer for TLC’s new series Hooney Boo Boo All Grown Up
Mr. Norton: Police Commissioner of the City where Mr. Greene lives.
Mr. O’Brian: Working on latest degree at UGA
Mr. Perkerson: Gold Line CEO
Ms. Persyn: Gold Digger (no seriously, she actually mines gold)
Ms. Quinton: The person in charge of hooking up Tinker Bell to the harness for the show at Disney World
Mr. Reese: Raising horses
Ms. Ridgeway: Weather Girl/News Anchor
Mr. Rivkin: Head of newly reformed KGB in Ms. Kabakova’s Soviet Union
Mr. Russel: He won’t be present, because he’s here only every 3 years
Ms. Shah: We lost contact in 2016 after feeding 5000 African in Ethiopia.
Mr. Theiss: Divorced Divorce Lawyer
Mr. Thompson: Stealing the core out of a fusion reactor and using it to hold an entire city hostage while Mr. Greene watches unable to help until he can climb out of a big hole in the ground and cross the entire world to engage him in a hand to hand fight ultimately ending in him being friendzoned by some woman and then being killed by the timely arrival of Ms. Johnson
Mr. Tourial: We’re not sure, but it’s for King and Country
Ms. Van De Velde: Being Secretary of State
Mr. Vey: Challenging Samuel Alito to a boxing match while arguing a case
Mr. Weeks: Elite Hacker
Mr. Wheeler: Law Clerk at Mr. Theiss’s Law Firm
Ms. White: Professional surfer in Hawaii, yea I didn’t see that one coming either
Mr. Yaqoob: MSNBC Host in Lawrence O’Donnel’s time slot
The meeting was called to order at 7:17. There was 0 first time guests, 1 returning guest and 4 alums present. Ms. Dodd was selected as critic.
In programs we had The President’s Address.
We had 1 petition for membership.
Ms. Lauren Cole spoke on the importance of dreams and greatness. She was welcomed in with many claps.
In Committee Reports:
The Purges Begin after tonight. If you don’t pay then you will be sent to the gulags. Don’t get sent to the gulags.
In new business:
BIR: All US Federal Campaigns should be publicaly funded (only)
Mr. Buscemi: negative
This would be an affront to the 1st amendment.
Mr. Guest: negative
This would force tax payers to support political positions they fundamentally disagree with
Mr. Vey: affirmative
The only way to make sure elections are fair is to remove the corruptive effects of private money
Mr. Alum: negative
Nobody should be forced to pay money to support something they don’t like
Ms. Beck: negative
This resolution doesn’t actually restrict private donors, only ensures that even more money, this time from the public.
Mr. Boggs: affirmative
Public funding for campaigns already exists actually
Mr. Lucco: negative
This resolution fails to recognize that people are not equal to start with no matter how much we like to pretend they are.
Mr. Guest: negative
We are already cutting many vital programs. We don’t need to add something like this
(The resolution was amended to “Only” and then reamended to add only onto the end.
Mr. Theiss: negative
This resolution limits free speech and is a slippery slope to serfdom
Ms. Ridgeway: affirmative
More money in the system does not equal corruption, the ultimate responsibility still lays with the representatives.
Mr. Alum: negative
When you restrict the rights of corporations you also restrict other important organizations as well.
Dr. Knox: affirmative
There is way too much money involved in politics. Elected officials now spend all their time fund raising instead of representing their constituents.
The question was called.
Members: passed 5-16 with the Doctor Knox Higher Income Bump
Guests: failed 0-1
Alums: failed 0-4
It was noted: Federal officials should be named like stadiums and wear nascar jackets. Elections should be bought with the Iron Price. And Evan Thompson says something witty.
BIR: The Tennessee General Assembly has an imperative to cede 68 square miles of disputed territory to the fine state of Georgia.
Be It Further Resolved: The State of Georgia has rights to pipe water from the Tennessee river for use in North Georgia and Metro Atlanta
Respectfully submitted by: Mr. David Douds
Mr. Vey: Negative
Tennessee owes Georgia nothing. To do this would be to oppress the volunteers of Tennessee who are tired of volunteering.
Mr. Tourial: affirmative
Georgia originally had it’s border there but the Federal Government overstretched its powers and forced Georgia to move it’s borders back.
Mr. Thompson: negative
Georgia has been draining resources like the Aliens from Independence Day. It’s time for someone like Jeff Goldbloom or just the Tennessee Legislature to stop us.
Mr. Alum: affirmative
We set borders with no thoughts for their consequences. It’s time to correct this.
Mr. O’Brian: Affirmative
We should not only take our land back but fix the borders for all time by turning the borders into canals/rivers/moats. This advocacy for revolution/science caused Theiss to Bingo.
Ms. Abdulhadi: negative
The two groups that want this water are Atlanta and Farmers.
Ms. Alum: affirmative
It’s never too late to fix a mistake
The question was called.
Members: passed 10-9
Guests: passed 1-0
Alums: passed 2-0
Part two of the resolution also passed among all categories.
It was noted: A man, a plan and several dozen canals. Mr. Douds has made his resolution now let him enforces it. Let them water their crops with tears. This would kill honey boo boo. Demosthenia supports Georgia’s claim to its rightful territory and would be willing to send peacekeepers. And Evan Thompson says another witty thing.
BIR: The death penalty should be carried out by organ harvest
-RS Mr. Austin Benn
Mr. Alum: negative
This marks another signpost on the decline of America’s prison system. It’s not enough to rob prisoners of their dignity, now we must literally rob them of their hearts.
Mr. Thompson: affirmative
At least now the organs are not going to waste
Mr. Cotton: negative
Organ donating would require doctors to forsake the Hypocratic Oath.
Mr. Alumnus: negative
This is unethical. Organ harvest = what?
Question was called
Members: fail 4-9
Guests: fail 1-1
Alums: fail 0-1
It was noted: Evan Thompson says something almost witty
BIR: The Demosthenian Literary Society should begin every meeting with a prayer to Blank
RS: Mr. Greg Tourial who suggested the Aztec God Huitziliopchtli
Ms. Abdulhadi: The Other Society
A motion to eject the speaker was made but failed.
Mr. Yaqoob: Satan
He was promptly ejected
Dionysis, the god of wine, performance and women killing men
Mayawata. Aztec god of Tequila (yay) and Fertility (not yay)
Yawheh The Old Testament version
The Drowned God What is Dead may never Die, but rises again harder and stronger
Mr. Cotton: Death
There’s only one thing we say: not today
Uga and Herschel Walker as his prophet
The question was called and in the end Death won.
It was noted: Valar Morghulis
and Evan Thompson says another witty thing
A motion to Adjourn was made and passed.
Ms. Dodd presented her critics report and the Society adjourned at 11:07